it was the best of times and the worst of times; or

how to make a good memory go bad in one short step; or maybe
I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

though I have to admit that what I am really, really wondering is why in the face of surprise or unexpectedness do we always suspect the worst and then create an emotional attachement to the worst before we even start to investigate the what or why???

doesn't that seem odd? isn't that backwards? well actually in our question everything society I suppose not. but really an error in judgement often has to be not taking inventory of what a person already knows! and thats not the judgement prior to surprise or unexpectedness, that is the unnecessary 'judging' that seems to follow?

A fable

Over the course of time two people had gone on 50 walks, seemingly without incident. One day the foot of one trips the other, an awkward stumble results, perhaps even a fall. Unknowingly one continues on. Does the affected immediately suspect malicious intent; proceed as if it were someone who has no care or regard for their well-being?

When brought together a declaration of hurt and disillusionment is made. Contritely efforts are made to help remove the hurt - provide awareness – while permitting relief. Sincerely one wants to assist the other in their repair, ensure future walks can and will occur.

Unwittingly resolve has not occured where reported. No trust has been employed to provide belief in the report. Did it ever exist? Efforts to restore a walking path seem to completely without foundation. No thought is given to what is known about one or the other; the previous walks; the familiar environment of the walks. No footing is found, no head rested, upon that understanding.

Where calm releaf might exist a storm of origin related questions swirls: "should one have ever been walking with the other at all? ever? Why did they think they could walk together? Who is this being?!"

The only answers that may result in shelter are questions themselves: "did they walk 'together' or just beside each other; did they 'share' stories and experiences or just talk about the weather? 50 walks! Did time produce no roots, no shade through the course of 50 walks? One never imagined they were just passing the time walking until someone else turned up who one could run with."

It caught the passing eye; it’s allure too suspect,
too little about appetite
too much about hunger.
Instantly one urges to gather it up
touch it, fondle it’s colloquial uniqueness.

It presents too perfect a piece of fruit.
Causing wonder, why the apple,
its shiny red coat, became forbidden fruit?
Bold, almost aggressive colouring.
The cool sensation upon one’s palm!
Simple uninspired shape, every one
almost perfectly like another.
(In appearance and sensation)

Could have been this peach!

Warm and bright colours; euphoric texture.
Degrees of ripeness reveal virgin tastes.
Seeming complete whether partaken or not!

Beautiful.

Pure; not just in fact but in observation.

Wise to not gaze upon it too long.
Best not imagine how it may feel in hand.
Delicate surely but not fragile.
Hold firm, but,
not so tight to deprave sensations or
offend the resolute surface.

Admire the shape, and subtlety of each undulation,
tingled by the velvety surface.
Upon lips an effable sensation.

Breath less ness.

Unrestrained nectar escapes to cheeks and chin.
Flavor tasted deep within the soul. So opulent
it ought to be harvested by angels.

Each morsel sadly diminutive
of the one prior.
Time races as the celestial fruit is devoured.

Too soon all that remains is

a hard course pit.

WHY!?!?


Dear Lord, why must years pass
before such a wondrous creation
could again be virgin to the world,
years before its splendor
be a virgin experience for the world.

someone please explain

this is the colour of my face, green with envy for those that have some focus, some determination, some routine that just keeps them getting things done.... passion, planning, persistence all can accomplish the same result = completion; or if completion is forward progress then progression. i don't want to sit and stare at it all. don't want to freeze or stall amidst the many tasks that are completely attainable. i know them well. i even know many before they become, but i don't often get ready for them, or ever. somewhere along the way I lost something; either that or a short circuit or some blockage exists. the number of things i look at or see or that roll in, choosing me or me thinking in error it needs to be chosen by me. i mean key distractions are too wellknown, some passions and some lusts. really is unexplainable because i could plan to do it around another time or place instead of allowing it to pull me by the nose through dead space where time and determination are wasted away. i mean i have some desires around my gifts but seldom put them to use in ways that could help me. i flounder and flip and eventually flail. FLAIL... what was a word about a productive act became a verb describing a lack of control that, although 'fail' is not the root, surely one is closer to failure than some sort of accomplishment - so its presence within is significant. and that is what i am doing flailing emotionally, spiritually, mentally and the physical is just slowly degraded out of neglect and a chemical mess that can't be healthy. truthfully i want to change, i need to change, i want to be more, or at least be more put together. offering something of value to those in my life because that is what makes me feel valued. my need for social acceptance/acknowledgement is not unique, although possible more profound than some who have the same inner structure. that alone should/could maybe be a tool manipulated correctly to help me focus on the positives of me and improve in ways that i know would please those important to me or around me on a daily basis. hell many don't want to consider me on an equal footing eventhough i am, they feel their opinion of something is more likely to be true than their damned incomprehension of things that don't agree in someway with their ignorant opinion or overtake their unfounded objection! sometimes researching the heck out of things and finding some examples of it being done that way doesn't change the fact that its not the only way and more so the right way. but hell ask me my experience and then ask the next person you run into cause you just aren't sure, what are you afraid to have a debate on the matter or you just think I don't have a clue? being passionate about language and conversing and feeling it is a lost art that i would love to be good at, it further pains then when someone doesn't get it, and of course i think its me they don't get but it may just be their inner structure that doesn't allow them to just fuckin accept it and move on. really the amount of people blind to their own passively negative reactions toward or belief in others. dependant on themselves, however limited, for the ratification of all things to be established within their inner 'out bin' - that to be filed to the cerebral. i know sometimes its fulfillment of needs for self-importance but sometimes its pretty decent and practical people that do it too. i want to respect them... i want to impress them... hell just be present to them.



well now that really didn't help anything did it.

a work in progress

I feel the sunrise and a new day is dawning
your breath on my neck keeps me from moving on
into a day where little hope is foreseen
I want to stay with you and continue to dream
but this world has its design of how we should be

I can't be myself and still be with you

we can't be here in this life

if we forgo the truth

it takes fruit off the vine
to have a life that's this fine
so we fall into line
we harvest a days wage
all the while just a page
of a classrank world denying it's rage



we take walks in the long grass
away from the Wall
our bare feet carve out new paths
there's no clock here at all
but when the bell sounds a dawning
we are ripped from the solace
get the uniform on and run to who calls us



I would have it another way
but I'm not the one to change the days
my heart needs affirmation
my mind needs the condemnation
the worst feelings in all the world
come from an unchartered search
for the goodly pearl



we leap in with abandon
find ourselves far from land and
give up securities we had
for something we think we need so bad
but we cannot describe it
or even imagine it

endless infatuation

not as in never ending for one but as in never ending variety of women who can draw my infatuation with the female being. so many women... so many million ways to be alluring... too often only personality is the real truly 'ugly' strong enough to create disdain or disconnect from a physical appeal.

like a long lost artist friend of mine once uttered:

"beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but most men can agree on ugly!" c.hearty

one can often narrow down the true type of women that for any individual man has him at a moments glance, but I find that with me, that would then be thousands of women. > eyes > soul > hair (colour or character)> smile > skin > laughter > mannerisms > openness > faith > curvaceous > prococious > meek > slender > sassy disregard > determination > voice > sense of body/self >

a partial and random list of the endless supply, some known and unknown:


Carla (about the rest its really all talk - i am her's forever)
Ledemure (my inspiration, first infactuation, and just plain awesome)
Deanna (shoulda, coulda, would)
Jodi (cowgirl beauty - save a car and ride a non-cowboy for once;)
Mariah
Ms. Learned (since I was 14 she has had me)
KLawton - so innocent, so sincere
Heather (lets face it some playboy girls are just plain beautiful)
Ramona (would do anything just to be with her once)
Margi (vive le france)
Long Lost Lisa (wouldn't even pause if she so much as winked)
Page 3 Tara
Erin W (give me a sign any sign)
Celeste (wanting her was not a lie - still do - it was just bad timing)
Paige (sometimes I wonder why and then I see you, mystery is an alluring animal)
Silver Screen Starlets: Carla G, Kate W, H Berry, Amy A, M. Stowe (cause we all have those we wish we could know more intimately)


To think that list could grow everyday from the random stranger in the elevator to the landscaping store lady who is helping us learn about plants... beauty is everywhere and frankly it is all sexy, all exciting, and all anxiety filled. AND often, so many after drawing admiration they speak and thier personality just sets the hook that much deeper.

Thanks to all of you for being so unique and staying unique.

random thoughts of kindness

that's right, because like so many in our god-forsaken, and frankly leave God out of it, our morally incapacitated society, i just now, and too often, think about a nice thing i could do, or a necessary thing i should do for a random human on the planet but just don't.

i mean why bother really, no one is as important as me or my needs and where time does allow or no personal needs govern i wouldn't dare push past my personal fear or misconceptions to actually go out of my way. sure there are any number of excuses, the degradation of society who prey on good natured people and rob them or hurt them when they do help; or even those who are so suspect of every one's ulterior motives that they just can't take a compliment or gesture of good will and think positively of the person - rather they wonder why or just simply label the person as creepy or suspect. cause that's fair. yes all that fear makes perfect sense!

perhaps someone is just a nice person who wants you to know that there are good people in society, people who notice what is good in you and notice where you need assistance and are welcome to share their efforts or observations with you in hopes of making your heart feel a little stronger and too a little lighter.

Unspoken

We all have thoughts and desires that we just wish we could utter, wish we could share with the one who has inspired them. For the longest time I have had such thoughts about this one angel who is employed in the same office as me. She will be moving on soon to another country, following her intended to his opportunities. While I know that our personalities likely would never enable us to enjoy any sort of monogamy, I kind of wonder, so what...



what if i told you i wanted to be with you? that i wanted to touch your skin and caress your curves? my eyes savoring your unwrapped body before me? our spirits befalling the tranquility only possible as our conscious or psyche unfastens our emotions, releasing them to our physical sensations.



my lips on your lips, our tongues teasing one another. my ears long to realize your moans of pleasure, your whispered encouragment or persuasion fulfilling my need for approval.



yes you... who grabs my attention every time you walk by, no matter how many times you do! we are acquantances, brought into contact by occupation and at decidedly different life stages. personality; socail cohesiveness; interests; habits; passions are all without compatibility. we don't mind one another, we are courteous. me with my need for others approval (many others). you not sincerely concerned at all with others feelings (and not negatively so) confident, determined, focused. your sense of belonging attached to others projected responsibility of you. and by others, two or three beings identified by you as significant to your life.



those conflicting levels and sources of confidence add some sort of intrigue to my need/desire for your acknowledgment of me. riling deeper sentiments within my physical attraction for you as opposed to my social requirements of you. i guess but i don't really know. i do know that i love your physical appearance very much, devoid your personality it may not be as interesting but alas it would still lure me.



you do not know how i admire your keen sense of a wardrobe that fits your shapely beauty. selecting materials that colour so sweetly your soft tones, drape over your breasts, or falls off your round bottom. perhaps the latter being one of your primary physical jems for me (for others something else). the way that muscular part of you remains so pleasantly voluptous where everything else through your tireless efforts is soooo tight, soooo toned, and really quite perfectly proportioned to that petite frame.



the thoughts that enter my dreams, the things i would like to say even as a courtesy compliment but don't. cause... well... in this world, not knowing your receptiveness to such well enough, you might just think it the cheesy come-on or worse as inappropriate advances. there is no way for you to know how much i admire your dark warm hair, deep private eyes, that often controlled smile that lies within your pretty face.



i possess the respectful adulation for you that longs to (and could) reach the end of an experience where my soul knows i brought you satisfaction. that my passion was one you permitted within your well concealed milieau, our spirits released to the sensualities of each. Not so much of a long built up intamicy but of individual cravings exposed to our ecstacy. is that an idea, an experience i could fulfill for you in pleasing you? OOOHhhhhh to be the medium delivering your own imagined or long anticipated desire to its zenith.

new definition?

It seems to me that the bastardization of the english language is well underway so why not take my own stab at it as I reveal my blog. My blog has its own newly created word combining two profound words which are too often isolated from each other when individuals make judgements or take action on judgements. Now a word may already exist that defines these two often ignored aspects of reasoning and conjecture. These together may be found to be an oxymoron as it relates to one's application of principals. But they shouldn't be.

The two are inexplicably linked within our motivations and where not linked in presentation they have to be forced apart. We spend less time in our western society it seems telling people what is right or wrong and more empowering in them an allowance to make up their own mind about what is right or wrong for them.

Go ahead pounce on the semantics of it all: right or wrong, permissable or forbidden, vogue or taboo, etc., etc., the list of actions and thier opposing 'antonym' is endless. Its not even about right or wrong, its about respecting the whole and getting that same respect in return.

The fact remains that we have justice systems whose applications are so tied down by individually liberties that they compromise any ability to consider the liberties of the masses in their application of morality. Yet we have justice systems that disregard indivdual liberties to such an extent that they would enforce death before they ever considered the reality of one homeless persons' plight.

So how do we ever become a peaceful species? How do we establish a universal morality when the definition of morality is not only devoid of pragmatism but culturally enforced? Tell me so I can begin to do my part.