someone please explain

this is the colour of my face, green with envy for those that have some focus, some determination, some routine that just keeps them getting things done.... passion, planning, persistence all can accomplish the same result = completion; or if completion is forward progress then progression. i don't want to sit and stare at it all. don't want to freeze or stall amidst the many tasks that are completely attainable. i know them well. i even know many before they become, but i don't often get ready for them, or ever. somewhere along the way I lost something; either that or a short circuit or some blockage exists. the number of things i look at or see or that roll in, choosing me or me thinking in error it needs to be chosen by me. i mean key distractions are too wellknown, some passions and some lusts. really is unexplainable because i could plan to do it around another time or place instead of allowing it to pull me by the nose through dead space where time and determination are wasted away. i mean i have some desires around my gifts but seldom put them to use in ways that could help me. i flounder and flip and eventually flail. FLAIL... what was a word about a productive act became a verb describing a lack of control that, although 'fail' is not the root, surely one is closer to failure than some sort of accomplishment - so its presence within is significant. and that is what i am doing flailing emotionally, spiritually, mentally and the physical is just slowly degraded out of neglect and a chemical mess that can't be healthy. truthfully i want to change, i need to change, i want to be more, or at least be more put together. offering something of value to those in my life because that is what makes me feel valued. my need for social acceptance/acknowledgement is not unique, although possible more profound than some who have the same inner structure. that alone should/could maybe be a tool manipulated correctly to help me focus on the positives of me and improve in ways that i know would please those important to me or around me on a daily basis. hell many don't want to consider me on an equal footing eventhough i am, they feel their opinion of something is more likely to be true than their damned incomprehension of things that don't agree in someway with their ignorant opinion or overtake their unfounded objection! sometimes researching the heck out of things and finding some examples of it being done that way doesn't change the fact that its not the only way and more so the right way. but hell ask me my experience and then ask the next person you run into cause you just aren't sure, what are you afraid to have a debate on the matter or you just think I don't have a clue? being passionate about language and conversing and feeling it is a lost art that i would love to be good at, it further pains then when someone doesn't get it, and of course i think its me they don't get but it may just be their inner structure that doesn't allow them to just fuckin accept it and move on. really the amount of people blind to their own passively negative reactions toward or belief in others. dependant on themselves, however limited, for the ratification of all things to be established within their inner 'out bin' - that to be filed to the cerebral. i know sometimes its fulfillment of needs for self-importance but sometimes its pretty decent and practical people that do it too. i want to respect them... i want to impress them... hell just be present to them.



well now that really didn't help anything did it.