Ramblings

What do you do when you figure out that what you would like to do isn't what you are going to be able to do, or that you are a few miles behind mentally where your body is on the road.

How do you focus, grip that reality and the possibility and get in gear to get it done.  When the help is there that you say you want, that you feel you need, how do you utilize it without getting lazy, without taking so much advantage of it that just steps away.

Life is not that opaque... its like the age old joke of the man in a storm who is amidst a storm and refuses to leave his home, throughout the process of it being slowly overcome by rising water he turns to his faith insisting that God will take care of him and save him if its not safe then turns away a vehicle, a boat, and lastly a helicopter.  Of course he parishes in the end and when he gets to the gates he asks his Maker, why did you not send me a message or save me... the response comes back is I sent a vehicle, a boat, and a helicopter, and since you seemed to be looking for Me I brought you to see Me.

Sometimes we simply can't get past ourselves and our own idea of what the solution to our problem might be.

Helping the Helpless

Is introducing a subject by speaking of oneself in in a detached context really cool, or an extremely unimpressive way to start a blog??? Who knows but I did it.

What the hell does a guy do who knows what his problem is, what he needs to do, has a pretty good idea what he wants to do and what it takes to do it, and really it is a little confused but if I could put it in a scope then I think I could pull it off but how do you real in a focus that hasn't ever had to be????  Thoughts?

I mean I have several projects on the go, several tasks, all of which need to get done, then their is the background on them that needs to be 'sorted' out.  What do we have, what do I know.

I think I have people who could help me and I think that is a good step but I can't do it without my wifes involvement I think; but I don't think she knows what all it entails.  It certainly entails persistance, old fashioned persistance. As Calvin Coolidge stated:

"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence.
Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: the world if full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination along are omnipotent."

I need to have that persistance and dogged determination and not in the form of a race to be one as quickly as possible, but in a mountain to be climbed and its peak can only be attained through training and repetition. Cause it can't all be done in a day or week or even a month. 

Greatness can still be mine, influencing our social environment can be something which I can do while leading my family and my career.  Certainly I like to serve but I need to serve myself now first and the rest can fall in with that.

It really is a funny thing the mind, the way it traps us and holds us captive at times; are there perhaps two people, some that are captive and others that are so afraid of being captive that they run from place to place, high to high, task to task.  One certainly comes off looking a lot better but doesn't really handle society all that well!

Time Is On Our Side

You know...I have spent much thought and reflection about myself over the years; 20 years have passed since the day I could hide under the ambivalence of being a teenager. All twenty addicted to the beauty of women, wanting to be with many where I couldn't bring myself to risk to do that, admiring, longing, lusting from afar. Fifteen of those have been spent in marriage (18 in that same relationship) with the women of my dreams, one that is strong and pretty and actually wanted me and has always helped me through my infancy type emotions. Eleven and a half as a father or guardian, a role that I am trying to own rather than claim. Ten of them in what I think is a career I enjoy and am working to become more invested in everyday.

Those are the more considerable buckets I have filled with my time; what falls in there is sporadic exhibitions of a servant and a liar, a lover and a cheater, a poet, confidence and insecurity, stupidity and intelligence, well spoken moments and verbal diarrhea, solid role model, porn addict, self-loathing, God fearing and godless, aimlessness and dogged determination.

All that and much more remembered and forgotten. I have had great blessing and squandered some riches. Made good friends and spoiled good friendships, all because I was too busy worrying about me, me, me. Lots of time remains for me to take all the misery and ensure it is not repeated, rather replaced with joy, spontaneity and fantastic companionship, cause that matter to me (its just in me).

gibberish

i have called this gibberish because it is, it has to be. after all how long can one say they are gonna change, gonna do something different: good - bad - otherwise? how many times truly and not do it?????

i have so many great things in my life, still many things too that i could make greater, i touch so many lives but do not make them better? i offer the foundation of hope but never establish the stone of faith realized by advancing on that hope.

gibberish. me i am gibberish and i speak gibberish too often and still i have many blessing, fortunes, and still many opportunities to transcend from gibberish into the world of trustworthy of dependent, of a next phase called security (or something more eloquent). it is like i am trying to go up a down escalator, one step after another the foot is raised and placed but the body doesn't move.

i hear but don't listen, i think but don't initiate, i plan and don't act - this is not a rant of pity (well perhaps a little) but it is a warning to all those who know me, you would be better knowing someone else, investing your time elsewhere. some where else you will find that the emptiness of your hope is filled - the elevator actually opens on a new floor than that which you hopped on, as opposed to opening on the same floor, again and again and again and again and again

too long gone

asleep, lazy, uninspired, unmotivated, recently I read a quote that said something to the effect of: "if you want to live your dream, the first thing you have to do is wakeup." I will search out the source of this little gem. There really seems to be two answers to this type of insight, one of them isn't WTF. They are 'that makes so much sense, but why is that so hard' or 'its not that simple'.

I am here to tell you that those statements of denial, while fair, don't get a person anywhere. The statement is a true observation. Even for myself, I have been awaken from my deep sleep into slumber recently, well perhaps not that recently, it was 9 months ago. That has made me think, made me wonder so many things: what am I doing, why do I do the things I do, what do I enjoy doing with my time, how do I change what I am doing, do I understand the value of time, what am I doing with my time, who is important to me, do I treat them as if they are, what do I have to offer to society, what am I contributing to society... and so on and so on.

Up until that day I was too long gone asleep, into the bomb shelter I went and now I have stood at the door of that shelter (being only my own mind, I was never safe from any bomb there)

So now half awake
stepping beyond the dismissal statement of
"its not that simple" I ask:
is it true that 'you are either purpose driven or driven by purpose'

(which sounds like a corporate way of saying the first thing you have to do is wakeup; yes take a cognitive control over what you are doing in your life and quit looking to, or blaming, others - translation: 'wakeup')

So what has been my purpose to date, did I ever have my own, or did necessity dictate them, did other people's drive me where I didn't intend to go. life may start with the questions, but its really the answers that make it exciting or at least interesting.

It reminds me of the chapter books I read as a kid where you could make a decision at the end of a chapter on what the characters did next. Your story would take on its own turn and by the end there was several ways you may have gotten to a certain end. I suppose I didn't truly understand what insight into life that book was providing me 'til now. What a shame - though its not too late to benefit from that knowledge.

Laziness

someone i greatly admire and respect, while secretly crushing over, has written recently about the stupidity of men, and even better how to overcome that stupidity. which has caused an epiphany for me - i am really lazy, so lazy that i don't get to have the joy and sex i often enjoyed with my wife because well, i am lazy.

it is so sad truly, i mean i often laughed over the age old jokes about how women were always tired or they have a headache... blah, blah. but really we were joking cause we are lazy. men we are lazy, needy, and not the least bit self-sufficient (even if we are taking care of it ourselves)

what women were saying for centuries wasn't that they didn't have the energy, but rather 'you' (meaning us, we, men, partner) aren't worth the energy! You give me no reason to want to expend the energy, you invest no energy that would justify a reciprocation.

sadly what we learn from her information that we never ever thought about, was that they aren't even always looking for physical energy. just spiritual, moral, and verbal acknowledgements. i mean we wonder why some old guy has a happy sex life, or some chubby guy has this great sex life - its cause he is making an investment into her sense of worth. Yes of course physically he likely is putting in some energy as well but never as much as her really. and besides what man doesn't just love having his head between his womens thighs (ok maybe I am alone on that one) - but if i do love that then what am i waiting for. men if you have something you love doing to your women, what are you waiting for. it probably would take you less energy to get her off than it takes you to get you off.

it shouldn't be an epiphany at my age, but yet it is. i could spend more time having sex and less time wishing i was having it. more time having fun and seeing my girl with a smile on her face than trying to make up for her lack of happiness and satisfaction not just in me but in herself.

I AM Sorry.

I am truly. I mean I know that we all have weaknesses. We all have our vices, our needs, our dependencies, our fixes, etc., etc,! I have known what mine is for some time now, decades. Well I have been doing it for decades, I probably only recognized the addiction to it for just over ten years. The time it has cost me is unfathomable really. To some extent I have used it as a coping mechanism. Helping me from getting in worse trouble or causing greater pain or destruction to my life, and the lives of those around me.

Still I wish I understood it a bit more, I wish I knew how to unleash the joy and ecstasy that typically results. Interestingly I have maintained the habit for a very long time with little financial investment. That is not to say that a resulting financial loss or impact has not taken place, it certainly has; the extent of which I may not be aware of. When it becomes apparent such an impact is being incurred the personal impact is already spreading without your knowledge! Reputations develop, trusts dissolve, doors (figurative and literal) close before you even arrive.

It stems from one of my greatest appreciations and infatuations. The hunger, desire, and obsession it can illicit is as much a compliment or flattery, a validation of its wonder yet it is also in many ways a violation! A violation against the object and too others to whom I have committed a love to, sworn a dedication to. A violation to which I am it's slave, happily in awe of how all its similarities are revealed in completely unique ways.

I am sorry for my weakness. I am sorry for feeding an industry and an animal that eats at the privacy and chastity of individuals. A commerce fueled by the rage of an entire faction of society that can't contain itself. Now don't get me wrong around this faction is an entire assembly that while stereo-typed with this more deplorable unit, they do manage to make use of other more, hmmm, how do I say... willing exhibitors. There exists many avenues and fabricators selling the wears that these people crave. It leaves no reason to tear apart the lives and securities of those who don't wish that type or extent of exposure.

To be true, that does not really speak to the addiction itself cause in time, as with say narcotics, a more readily available or enticing remedy is before you. Its existence deceivingly unconstrained - but its affects more powerful, as is it's grip.