I AM Sorry.

I am truly. I mean I know that we all have weaknesses. We all have our vices, our needs, our dependencies, our fixes, etc., etc,! I have known what mine is for some time now, decades. Well I have been doing it for decades, I probably only recognized the addiction to it for just over ten years. The time it has cost me is unfathomable really. To some extent I have used it as a coping mechanism. Helping me from getting in worse trouble or causing greater pain or destruction to my life, and the lives of those around me.

Still I wish I understood it a bit more, I wish I knew how to unleash the joy and ecstasy that typically results. Interestingly I have maintained the habit for a very long time with little financial investment. That is not to say that a resulting financial loss or impact has not taken place, it certainly has; the extent of which I may not be aware of. When it becomes apparent such an impact is being incurred the personal impact is already spreading without your knowledge! Reputations develop, trusts dissolve, doors (figurative and literal) close before you even arrive.

It stems from one of my greatest appreciations and infatuations. The hunger, desire, and obsession it can illicit is as much a compliment or flattery, a validation of its wonder yet it is also in many ways a violation! A violation against the object and too others to whom I have committed a love to, sworn a dedication to. A violation to which I am it's slave, happily in awe of how all its similarities are revealed in completely unique ways.

I am sorry for my weakness. I am sorry for feeding an industry and an animal that eats at the privacy and chastity of individuals. A commerce fueled by the rage of an entire faction of society that can't contain itself. Now don't get me wrong around this faction is an entire assembly that while stereo-typed with this more deplorable unit, they do manage to make use of other more, hmmm, how do I say... willing exhibitors. There exists many avenues and fabricators selling the wears that these people crave. It leaves no reason to tear apart the lives and securities of those who don't wish that type or extent of exposure.

To be true, that does not really speak to the addiction itself cause in time, as with say narcotics, a more readily available or enticing remedy is before you. Its existence deceivingly unconstrained - but its affects more powerful, as is it's grip.

Life Staling

Don't you just love the spring, I mean I do, earth thaws, flowers bloom, rivers flow again, the sun is warm not just a big light in the sky. People are walking and biking and a little more patient and pleasant.

So too much is going on in the world. Financiers are pouring over first quarter data to see what this year could bring and just as importantly to allow them to spin any prognostication they spilled upon a hopeful public two quarters earlier about what this new year would bring. Worried more about covering their reputable asses than they are at advising us and instilling any societal, let alone spending, confidence.

If you can't bring yourself to be happy with what they are spewing, perhaps you can point your energy toward the excitement of championship battles taking place in hockey, soccer, and basketball, or even just inhale the refreshing smell of freshly cut grass that is another new season of baseball. For a week or two, and only that, every city's team has a chance at a September playoff spot.

All the while the regularity of life takes place more predictably than an infants bowel movements: wake, waste, wash, waffles, work, hours of work, go home, feeding time, extra-curriculars, tele/internet time, snacking, beddie by, maybe some reading, sleep. Repeat five times... weekend. For which we get to wake later, but activities are about the same with some alterations: work at home, eat whenever, add alcohol, insert people we choose to spend time with for people we have to spend time with, and repeat only two times:(

Whose fault is any of that really? Not mine, (wait a minute maybe it is mine)