Pragmoral

Ramblings

2011-10-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you figure out that what you would like to do isn't what you are going to be able to do, or that you are a few miles behind mentally where your body is on the road.

How do you focus, grip that reality and the possibility and get in gear to get it done. When the help is there that you say you want, that you feel you need, how do you utilize it without getting lazy, without taking so much advantage of it that just steps away.

Life is not that opaque... its like the age old joke of the man in a storm who is amidst a storm and refuses to leave his home, throughout the process of it being slowly overcome by rising water he turns to his faith insisting that God will take care of him and save him if its not safe then turns away a vehicle, a boat, and lastly a helicopter. Of course he parishes in the end and when he gets to the gates he asks his Maker, why did you not send me a message or save me... the response comes back is I sent a vehicle, a boat, and a helicopter, and since you seemed to be looking for Me I brought you to see Me.

Sometimes we simply can't get past ourselves and our own idea of what the solution to our problem might be.

Helping the Helpless

2011-09-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Is introducing a subject by speaking of oneself in in a detached context really cool, or an extremely unimpressive way to start a blog??? Who knows but I did it.

What the hell does a guy do who knows what his problem is, what he needs to do, has a pretty good idea what he wants to do and what it takes to do it, and really it is a little confused but if I could put it in a scope then I think I could pull it off but how do you real in a focus that hasn't ever had to be???? Thoughts?

I mean I have several projects on the go, several tasks, all of which need to get done, then their is the background on them that needs to be 'sorted' out. What do we have, what do I know.

I think I have people who could help me and I think that is a good step but I can't do it without my wifes involvement I think; but I don't think she knows what all it entails. It certainly entails persistance, old fashioned persistance. As Calvin Coolidge stated:

"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence.
Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: the world if full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination along are omnipotent."

I need to have that persistance and dogged determination and not in the form of a race to be one as quickly as possible, but in a mountain to be climbed and its peak can only be attained through training and repetition. Cause it can't all be done in a day or week or even a month.

Greatness can still be mine, influencing our social environment can be something which I can do while leading my family and my career. Certainly I like to serve but I need to serve myself now first and the rest can fall in with that.

It really is a funny thing the mind, the way it traps us and holds us captive at times; are there perhaps two people, some that are captive and others that are so afraid of being captive that they run from place to place, high to high, task to task. One certainly comes off looking a lot better but doesn't really handle society all that well!

Time Is On Our Side

2011-07-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

You know...I have spent much thought and reflection about myself over the years; 20 years have passed since the day I could hide under the ambivalence of being a teenager. All twenty addicted to the beauty of women, wanting to be with many where I couldn't bring myself to risk to do that, admiring, longing, lusting from afar. Fifteen of those have been spent in marriage (18 in that same relationship) with the women of my dreams, one that is strong and pretty and actually wanted me and has always helped me through my infancy type emotions. Eleven and a half as a father or guardian, a role that I am trying to own rather than claim. Ten of them in what I think is a career I enjoy and am working to become more invested in everyday.

Those are the more considerable buckets I have filled with my time; what falls in there is sporadic exhibitions of a servant and a liar, a lover and a cheater, a poet, confidence and insecurity, stupidity and intelligence, well spoken moments and verbal diarrhea, solid role model, porn addict, self-loathing, God fearing and godless, aimlessness and dogged determination.

All that and much more remembered and forgotten. I have had great blessing and squandered some riches. Made good friends and spoiled good friendships, all because I was too busy worrying about me, me, me. Lots of time remains for me to take all the misery and ensure it is not repeated, rather replaced with joy, spontaneity and fantastic companionship, cause that matter to me (its just in me).

gibberish

2010-11-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

i have called this gibberish because it is, it has to be. after all how long can one say they are gonna change, gonna do something different: good - bad - otherwise? how many times truly and not do it?????

i have so many great things in my life, still many things too that i could make greater, i touch so many lives but do not make them better? i offer the foundation of hope but never establish the stone of faith realized by advancing on that hope.

gibberish. me i am gibberish and i speak gibberish too often and still i have many blessing, fortunes, and still many opportunities to transcend from gibberish into the world of trustworthy of dependent, of a next phase called security (or something more eloquent). it is like i am trying to go up a down escalator, one step after another the foot is raised and placed but the body doesn't move.

i hear but don't listen, i think but don't initiate, i plan and don't act - this is not a rant of pity (well perhaps a little) but it is a warning to all those who know me, you would be better knowing someone else, investing your time elsewhere. some where else you will find that the emptiness of your hope is filled - the elevator actually opens on a new floor than that which you hopped on, as opposed to opening on the same floor, again and again and again and again and again

too long gone

2010-10-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

asleep, lazy, uninspired, unmotivated, recently I read a quote that said something to the effect of: "if you want to live your dream, the first thing you have to do is wakeup." I will search out the source of this little gem. There really seems to be two answers to this type of insight, one of them isn't WTF. They are 'that makes so much sense, but why is that so hard' or 'its not that simple'.

I am here to tell you that those statements of denial, while fair, don't get a person anywhere. The statement is a true observation. Even for myself, I have been awaken from my deep sleep into slumber recently, well perhaps not that recently, it was 9 months ago. That has made me think, made me wonder so many things: what am I doing, why do I do the things I do, what do I enjoy doing with my time, how do I change what I am doing, do I understand the value of time, what am I doing with my time, who is important to me, do I treat them as if they are, what do I have to offer to society, what am I contributing to society... and so on and so on.

Up until that day I was too long gone asleep, into the bomb shelter I went and now I have stood at the door of that shelter (being only my own mind, I was never safe from any bomb there)

So now half awake
stepping beyond the dismissal statement of
"its not that simple" I ask:
is it true that 'you are either purpose driven or driven by purpose'

(which sounds like a corporate way of saying the first thing you have to do is wakeup; yes take a cognitive control over what you are doing in your life and quit looking to, or blaming, others - translation: 'wakeup')

So what has been my purpose to date, did I ever have my own, or did necessity dictate them, did other people's drive me where I didn't intend to go. life may start with the questions, but its really the answers that make it exciting or at least interesting.

It reminds me of the chapter books I read as a kid where you could make a decision at the end of a chapter on what the characters did next. Your story would take on its own turn and by the end there was several ways you may have gotten to a certain end. I suppose I didn't truly understand what insight into life that book was providing me 'til now. What a shame - though its not too late to benefit from that knowledge.

Laziness

2010-07-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

someone i greatly admire and respect, while secretly crushing over, has written recently about the stupidity of men, and even better how to overcome that stupidity. which has caused an epiphany for me - i am really lazy, so lazy that i don't get to have the joy and sex i often enjoyed with my wife because well, i am lazy.

it is so sad truly, i mean i often laughed over the age old jokes about how women were always tired or they have a headache... blah, blah. but really we were joking cause we are lazy. men we are lazy, needy, and not the least bit self-sufficient (even if we are taking care of it ourselves)

what women were saying for centuries wasn't that they didn't have the energy, but rather 'you' (meaning us, we, men, partner) aren't worth the energy! You give me no reason to want to expend the energy, you invest no energy that would justify a reciprocation.

sadly what we learn from her information that we never ever thought about, was that they aren't even always looking for physical energy. just spiritual, moral, and verbal acknowledgements. i mean we wonder why some old guy has a happy sex life, or some chubby guy has this great sex life - its cause he is making an investment into her sense of worth. Yes of course physically he likely is putting in some energy as well but never as much as her really. and besides what man doesn't just love having his head between his womens thighs (ok maybe I am alone on that one) - but if i do love that then what am i waiting for. men if you have something you love doing to your women, what are you waiting for. it probably would take you less energy to get her off than it takes you to get you off.

it shouldn't be an epiphany at my age, but yet it is. i could spend more time having sex and less time wishing i was having it. more time having fun and seeing my girl with a smile on her face than trying to make up for her lack of happiness and satisfaction not just in me but in herself.

I AM Sorry.

2010-05-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am truly. I mean I know that we all have weaknesses. We all have our vices, our needs, our dependencies, our fixes, etc., etc,! I have known what mine is for some time now, decades. Well I have been doing it for decades, I probably only recognized the addiction to it for just over ten years. The time it has cost me is unfathomable really. To some extent I have used it as a coping mechanism. Helping me from getting in worse trouble or causing greater pain or destruction to my life, and the lives of those around me.

Still I wish I understood it a bit more, I wish I knew how to unleash the joy and ecstasy that typically results. Interestingly I have maintained the habit for a very long time with little financial investment. That is not to say that a resulting financial loss or impact has not taken place, it certainly has; the extent of which I may not be aware of. When it becomes apparent such an impact is being incurred the personal impact is already spreading without your knowledge! Reputations develop, trusts dissolve, doors (figurative and literal) close before you even arrive.

It stems from one of my greatest appreciations and infatuations. The hunger, desire, and obsession it can illicit is as much a compliment or flattery, a validation of its wonder yet it is also in many ways a violation! A violation against the object and too others to whom I have committed a love to, sworn a dedication to. A violation to which I am it's slave, happily in awe of how all its similarities are revealed in completely unique ways.

I am sorry for my weakness. I am sorry for feeding an industry and an animal that eats at the privacy and chastity of individuals. A commerce fueled by the rage of an entire faction of society that can't contain itself. Now don't get me wrong around this faction is an entire assembly that while stereo-typed with this more deplorable unit, they do manage to make use of other more, hmmm, how do I say... willing exhibitors. There exists many avenues and fabricators selling the wears that these people crave. It leaves no reason to tear apart the lives and securities of those who don't wish that type or extent of exposure.

To be true, that does not really speak to the addiction itself cause in time, as with say narcotics, a more readily available or enticing remedy is before you. Its existence deceivingly unconstrained - but its affects more powerful, as is it's grip.

Life Staling

2010-05-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love the spring, I mean I do, earth thaws, flowers bloom, rivers flow again, the sun is warm not just a big light in the sky. People are walking and biking and a little more patient and pleasant.

So too much is going on in the world. Financiers are pouring over first quarter data to see what this year could bring and just as importantly to allow them to spin any prognostication they spilled upon a hopeful public two quarters earlier about what this new year would bring. Worried more about covering their reputable asses than they are at advising us and instilling any societal, let alone spending, confidence.

If you can't bring yourself to be happy with what they are spewing, perhaps you can point your energy toward the excitement of championship battles taking place in hockey, soccer, and basketball, or even just inhale the refreshing smell of freshly cut grass that is another new season of baseball. For a week or two, and only that, every city's team has a chance at a September playoff spot.

All the while the regularity of life takes place more predictably than an infants bowel movements: wake, waste, wash, waffles, work, hours of work, go home, feeding time, extra-curriculars, tele/internet time, snacking, beddie by, maybe some reading, sleep. Repeat five times... weekend. For which we get to wake later, but activities are about the same with some alterations: work at home, eat whenever, add alcohol, insert people we choose to spend time with for people we have to spend time with, and repeat only two times:(

Whose fault is any of that really? Not mine, (wait a minute maybe it is mine)

Life Changing

2010-04-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

Don't you sometimes wonder why it is so necessary for us to have a 'life changing' moment? I mean truly so many of the extraordinary people we know, hear about, or strive to follow have had just that; or something they were able to classify within their psyche as just that. Now I have yet to investigate or explore what the physiological and/or biochemical elements or process is that creates such fintie change for an individual who has experienced this and built upon it. Though I am certain such facts exist on the matter and I am sure they are fascinating.

We know that many great organizations (for lack of a better word) know all about creating the environments that illicit such dramatic and/or finite change within a human being: the military or police and fire training for example.

Recently I have found myself without a job, not for anything I did they say but just a lack of business. Thats on me to a certain extent, if I was irreplaceable or more importantly invaluable they would find a place for me, they would negotiate with me to try and keep me. I know that this is true because their are other people there still kicking around! It is not a massive company but a very productive one that has had a successful history of building business.

They say with anything that you have to own it - a talented sports journalist and talk show icon (Jim Rome) once spoke the words: "if you don't ever own it, completely, how is it you are ever going to get over it? You won't, it won't happen" He was speaking about some superstar athlete that continued to languish in uncertainty after a scandal of some sort.

He was right, it doesn't matter what it is, if it directly involves you or affects you, then you must own it or it will own you. 'IT' could be life, society, failure, a person, a challenge, an obstacle, an addiction, a goal. AS with this I know a lot about what I do but I wasn't pushing myself to change or improve or engage powers/factors that affected my productivity. Looking around me surprisingly the same was true about much of my life and those who look up to me as well as a husband, father, coach, mentor!

So I don't know if this has been life changing, it has certainly been revealing, BUT I still find myself scrambling to cover disappointments, failing, or weaknesses up rather than deal with them, take them on, own them, conquer them. It hasn't been life changing, and in a way that tells me something about me, I am worried about the money but not obsessed by the need to replace it! But I need to respect its significance in my life and that of those I am responsible for and to.

So pieces need to be realigned, the foundation re-established, and the support structure fortified so that peace and happiness can be sustained within. Resisting the urge to try and expand the building before everything is structurally in place to sustain such growth. Truthfully though if I don't find that 'will' to change to allow my own effect, I can be certain that this is how people end up living out of a box down by the river.

the Tiger that has Society by the Tail

2010-04-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

You know one of the things that has transpired while I failed to exercise the written application of my cognitive mind is the tragedy that was/is Tiger and Elin Woods, and family. Now well into their recovery it can be acknowledged as a fantastic fracturing of western societies' obsessively intruding nature. I don't think that Tiger Woods could have handled this whole matter any better than he has and frankly so too has his wife.

With the exception of only a few of the women he infidelled with, most others also kept their business, their business. Which is admirable really, have we heard the last of this, them, and those already looking to get paid via their hips? No.

Still they, and many of us, have probably gotten past the worst of it - that is heard as much as we want to hear. Tiger was not a victim. He waived the right to future trust from his loved owns, and he lost some sponsors and he squandered some peoples' respect and opened the eyes of his fan base... rather had shattered the rose coloured glasses that portrayed him standing high atop Mt. Rushmore with a golf club clenched in a triumphant fist above his head and the Stars n Stripes draped around his shoulders flapping in the metaphorical wind of all those nations round the world who question the supremacy of the U.S. of A.

Considering how it all happened, he owned it. Tiger owned every bit of it, he didn't sprint to the camera's and microphones like many would have liked him to, he didn't hide either or have someone else speak on his families behalf. (yes I know he had someone release a statement but only as an indication that he would be available once he faced the real victims, his family)

So from that fateful 911 call to his first unscripted public appearance at 'The Masters' he comes out looking to most intelligent American men and women as the model example of how to take the high road. He sinned against his wife, his family, his marriage, those who partnered with him in business and those he choose to make 'partner' with. He in no way intently offended the American people or the game of golf - as all those so pompous to tell you he did would like you to believe.

Within the game of golf, as within the 300 million individual lives that comprise America, there are many a sad or desperate or simple weakness that transpired into a failing of judgement and self. Many I am sure becoming a pattern of failings.

Truly I tell you, many political, sports and entertainment icons have failed to understand the saying:

"if you aren't willing to take the high road, then be prepared to get dragged through the mud" -CAB

If you don't come out and own that which is true of yourself in matters of infidelity, fraud, or terror. Own it with a sincere repentant nature and make your efforts to reconcile, repay and/or overcome your failings obvious to the public that gave you the opulent life you so enjoyed. Tiger has done so and acknowledge his followers right up front with even his scripted apologies.

We need to be reminded of course that those associated with the wrong doings of the naughty kitty can't be expected to just go away. Though the minute they trade their so called heartbreak or anguish for financial gain their cries of 'victimisation' are forever hollow.

As for us, his fans we can now just sit back and make our choose as to what we will become a fan of the human, athlete and entertainer or the cheat and tabloid head-liner.

I'm not dead

2010-04-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

I want to use this medium, I want to exercise my voice, my mind in this format, channel some creativity. I have neglected this blog and so much has happened in my life that could contribute to the stimulation and peace to be gained from these social mediums. So why not

it was the best of times and the worst of times; or

2009-10-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

how to make a good memory go bad in one short step; or maybe
I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

though I have to admit that what I am really, really wondering is why in the face of surprise or unexpectedness do we always suspect the worst and then create an emotional attachement to the worst before we even start to investigate the what or why???

doesn't that seem odd? isn't that backwards? well actually in our question everything society I suppose not. but really an error in judgement often has to be not taking inventory of what a person already knows! and thats not the judgement prior to surprise or unexpectedness, that is the unnecessary 'judging' that seems to follow?

A fable

Over the course of time two people had gone on 50 walks, seemingly without incident. One day the foot of one trips the other, an awkward stumble results, perhaps even a fall. Unknowingly one continues on. Does the affected immediately suspect malicious intent; proceed as if it were someone who has no care or regard for their well-being?

When brought together a declaration of hurt and disillusionment is made. Contritely efforts are made to help remove the hurt - provide awareness – while permitting relief. Sincerely one wants to assist the other in their repair, ensure future walks can and will occur.

Unwittingly resolve has not occured where reported. No trust has been employed to provide belief in the report. Did it ever exist? Efforts to restore a walking path seem to completely without foundation. No thought is given to what is known about one or the other; the previous walks; the familiar environment of the walks. No footing is found, no head rested, upon that understanding.

Where calm releaf might exist a storm of origin related questions swirls: "should one have ever been walking with the other at all? ever? Why did they think they could walk together? Who is this being?!"

The only answers that may result in shelter are questions themselves: "did they walk 'together' or just beside each other; did they 'share' stories and experiences or just talk about the weather? 50 walks! Did time produce no roots, no shade through the course of 50 walks? One never imagined they were just passing the time walking until someone else turned up who one could run with."

2009-08-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

It caught the passing eye; it’s allure too suspect,
too little about appetite
too much about hunger.
Instantly one urges to gather it up
touch it, fondle it’s colloquial uniqueness.

It presents too perfect a piece of fruit.
Causing wonder, why the apple,
its shiny red coat, became forbidden fruit?
Bold, almost aggressive colouring.
The cool sensation upon one’s palm!
Simple uninspired shape, every one
almost perfectly like another.
(In appearance and sensation)

Could have been this peach!

Warm and bright colours; euphoric texture.
Degrees of ripeness reveal virgin tastes.
Seeming complete whether partaken or not!

Beautiful.

Pure; not just in fact but in observation.

Wise to not gaze upon it too long.
Best not imagine how it may feel in hand.
Delicate surely but not fragile.
Hold firm, but,
not so tight to deprave sensations or
offend the resolute surface.

Admire the shape, and subtlety of each undulation,
tingled by the velvety surface.
Upon lips an effable sensation.

Breath less ness.

Unrestrained nectar escapes to cheeks and chin.
Flavor tasted deep within the soul. So opulent
it ought to be harvested by angels.

Each morsel sadly diminutive
of the one prior.
Time races as the celestial fruit is devoured.

Too soon all that remains is

a hard course pit.

WHY!?!?

Dear Lord, why must years pass
before such a wondrous creation
could again be virgin to the world,
years before its splendor
be a virgin experience for the world.

someone please explain

2009-07-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

this is the colour of my face, green with envy for those that have some focus, some determination, some routine that just keeps them getting things done.... passion, planning, persistence all can accomplish the same result = completion; or if completion is forward progress then progression. i don't want to sit and stare at it all. don't want to freeze or stall amidst the many tasks that are completely attainable. i know them well. i even know many before they become, but i don't often get ready for them, or ever. somewhere along the way I lost something; either that or a short circuit or some blockage exists. the number of things i look at or see or that roll in, choosing me or me thinking in error it needs to be chosen by me. i mean key distractions are too wellknown, some passions and some lusts. really is unexplainable because i could plan to do it around another time or place instead of allowing it to pull me by the nose through dead space where time and determination are wasted away. i mean i have some desires around my gifts but seldom put them to use in ways that could help me. i flounder and flip and eventually flail. FLAIL... what was a word about a productive act became a verb describing a lack of control that, although 'fail' is not the root, surely one is closer to failure than some sort of accomplishment - so its presence within is significant. and that is what i am doing flailing emotionally, spiritually, mentally and the physical is just slowly degraded out of neglect and a chemical mess that can't be healthy. truthfully i want to change, i need to change, i want to be more, or at least be more put together. offering something of value to those in my life because that is what makes me feel valued. my need for social acceptance/acknowledgement is not unique, although possible more profound than some who have the same inner structure. that alone should/could maybe be a tool manipulated correctly to help me focus on the positives of me and improve in ways that i know would please those important to me or around me on a daily basis. hell many don't want to consider me on an equal footing eventhough i am, they feel their opinion of something is more likely to be true than their damned incomprehension of things that don't agree in someway with their ignorant opinion or overtake their unfounded objection! sometimes researching the heck out of things and finding some examples of it being done that way doesn't change the fact that its not the only way and more so the right way. but hell ask me my experience and then ask the next person you run into cause you just aren't sure, what are you afraid to have a debate on the matter or you just think I don't have a clue? being passionate about language and conversing and feeling it is a lost art that i would love to be good at, it further pains then when someone doesn't get it, and of course i think its me they don't get but it may just be their inner structure that doesn't allow them to just fuckin accept it and move on. really the amount of people blind to their own passively negative reactions toward or belief in others. dependant on themselves, however limited, for the ratification of all things to be established within their inner 'out bin' - that to be filed to the cerebral. i know sometimes its fulfillment of needs for self-importance but sometimes its pretty decent and practical people that do it too. i want to respect them... i want to impress them... hell just be present to them.

well now that really didn't help anything did it.

a work in progress

2009-06-18T08:33:00.001-07:00

I feel the sunrise and a new day is dawning
your breath on my neck keeps me from moving on
into a day where little hope is foreseen
I want to stay with you and continue to dream
but this world has its design of how we should be

I can't be myself and still be with you

we can't be here in this life

if we forgo the truth

it takes fruit off the vine
to have a life that's this fine
so we fall into line
we harvest a days wage
all the while just a page
of a classrank world denying it's rage

we take walks in the long grass
away from the Wall
our bare feet carve out new paths
there's no clock here at all
but when the bell sounds a dawning
we are ripped from the solace
get the uniform on and run to who calls us

I would have it another way
but I'm not the one to change the days
my heart needs affirmation
my mind needs the condemnation
the worst feelings in all the world
come from an unchartered search
for the goodly pearl

we leap in with abandon
find ourselves far from land and
give up securities we had
for something we think we need so bad
but we cannot describe it
or even imagine it

endless infatuation

2009-06-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

not as in never ending for one but as in never ending variety of women who can draw my infatuation with the female being. so many women... so many million ways to be alluring... too often only personality is the real truly 'ugly' strong enough to create disdain or disconnect from a physical appeal.

like a long lost artist friend of mine once uttered:

"beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but most men can agree on ugly!" c.hearty

one can often narrow down the true type of women that for any individual man has him at a moments glance, but I find that with me, that would then be thousands of women. > eyes > soul > hair (colour or character)> smile > skin > laughter > mannerisms > openness > faith > curvaceous > prococious > meek > slender > sassy disregard > determination > voice > sense of body/self >

a partial and random list of the endless supply, some known and unknown:

Carla (about the rest its really all talk - i am her's forever)
Ledemure (my inspiration, first infactuation, and just plain awesome)
Deanna (shoulda, coulda, would)
Jodi (cowgirl beauty - save a car and ride a non-cowboy for once;)
Mariah
Ms. Learned (since I was 14 she has had me)
KLawton - so innocent, so sincere
Heather (lets face it some playboy girls are just plain beautiful)
Ramona (would do anything just to be with her once)
Margi (vive le france)
Long Lost Lisa (wouldn't even pause if she so much as winked)
Page 3 Tara
Erin W (give me a sign any sign)
Celeste (wanting her was not a lie - still do - it was just bad timing)
Paige (sometimes I wonder why and then I see you, mystery is an alluring animal)
Silver Screen Starlets: Carla G, Kate W, H Berry, Amy A, M. Stowe (cause we all have those we wish we could know more intimately)

To think that list could grow everyday from the random stranger in the elevator to the landscaping store lady who is helping us learn about plants... beauty is everywhere and frankly it is all sexy, all exciting, and all anxiety filled. AND often, so many after drawing admiration they speak and thier personality just sets the hook that much deeper.

Thanks to all of you for being so unique and staying unique.

random thoughts of kindness

2009-05-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

that's right, because like so many in our god-forsaken, and frankly leave God out of it, our morally incapacitated society, i just now, and too often, think about a nice thing i could do, or a necessary thing i should do for a random human on the planet but just don't.

i mean why bother really, no one is as important as me or my needs and where time does allow or no personal needs govern i wouldn't dare push past my personal fear or misconceptions to actually go out of my way. sure there are any number of excuses, the degradation of society who prey on good natured people and rob them or hurt them when they do help; or even those who are so suspect of every one's ulterior motives that they just can't take a compliment or gesture of good will and think positively of the person - rather they wonder why or just simply label the person as creepy or suspect. cause that's fair. yes all that fear makes perfect sense!

perhaps someone is just a nice person who wants you to know that there are good people in society, people who notice what is good in you and notice where you need assistance and are welcome to share their efforts or observations with you in hopes of making your heart feel a little stronger and too a little lighter.

Unspoken

2009-05-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

We all have thoughts and desires that we just wish we could utter, wish we could share with the one who has inspired them. For the longest time I have had such thoughts about this one angel who is employed in the same office as me. She will be moving on soon to another country, following her intended to his opportunities. While I know that our personalities likely would never enable us to enjoy any sort of monogamy, I kind of wonder, so what...

what if i told you i wanted to be with you? that i wanted to touch your skin and caress your curves? my eyes savoring your unwrapped body before me? our spirits befalling the tranquility only possible as our conscious or psyche unfastens our emotions, releasing them to our physical sensations.

my lips on your lips, our tongues teasing one another. my ears long to realize your moans of pleasure, your whispered encouragment or persuasion fulfilling my need for approval.

yes you... who grabs my attention every time you walk by, no matter how many times you do! we are acquantances, brought into contact by occupation and at decidedly different life stages. personality; socail cohesiveness; interests; habits; passions are all without compatibility. we don't mind one another, we are courteous. me with my need for others approval (many others). you not sincerely concerned at all with others feelings (and not negatively so) confident, determined, focused. your sense of belonging attached to others projected responsibility of you. and by others, two or three beings identified by you as significant to your life.

those conflicting levels and sources of confidence add some sort of intrigue to my need/desire for your acknowledgment of me. riling deeper sentiments within my physical attraction for you as opposed to my social requirements of you. i guess but i don't really know. i do know that i love your physical appearance very much, devoid your personality it may not be as interesting but alas it would still lure me.

you do not know how i admire your keen sense of a wardrobe that fits your shapely beauty. selecting materials that colour so sweetly your soft tones, drape over your breasts, or falls off your round bottom. perhaps the latter being one of your primary physical jems for me (for others something else). the way that muscular part of you remains so pleasantly voluptous where everything else through your tireless efforts is soooo tight, soooo toned, and really quite perfectly proportioned to that petite frame.

the thoughts that enter my dreams, the things i would like to say even as a courtesy compliment but don't. cause... well... in this world, not knowing your receptiveness to such well enough, you might just think it the cheesy come-on or worse as inappropriate advances. there is no way for you to know how much i admire your dark warm hair, deep private eyes, that often controlled smile that lies within your pretty face.

i possess the respectful adulation for you that longs to (and could) reach the end of an experience where my soul knows i brought you satisfaction. that my passion was one you permitted within your well concealed milieau, our spirits released to the sensualities of each. Not so much of a long built up intamicy but of individual cravings exposed to our ecstacy. is that an idea, an experience i could fulfill for you in pleasing you? OOOHhhhhh to be the medium delivering your own imagined or long anticipated desire to its zenith.

new definition?

2009-05-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that the bastardization of the english language is well underway so why not take my own stab at it as I reveal my blog. My blog has its own newly created word combining two profound words which are too often isolated from each other when individuals make judgements or take action on judgements. Now a word may already exist that defines these two often ignored aspects of reasoning and conjecture. These together may be found to be an oxymoron as it relates to one's application of principals. But they shouldn't be.

The two are inexplicably linked within our motivations and where not linked in presentation they have to be forced apart. We spend less time in our western society it seems telling people what is right or wrong and more empowering in them an allowance to make up their own mind about what is right or wrong for them.

Go ahead pounce on the semantics of it all: right or wrong, permissable or forbidden, vogue or taboo, etc., etc., the list of actions and thier opposing 'antonym' is endless. Its not even about right or wrong, its about respecting the whole and getting that same respect in return.

The fact remains that we have justice systems whose applications are so tied down by individually liberties that they compromise any ability to consider the liberties of the masses in their application of morality. Yet we have justice systems that disregard indivdual liberties to such an extent that they would enforce death before they ever considered the reality of one homeless persons' plight.

So how do we ever become a peaceful species? How do we establish a universal morality when the definition of morality is not only devoid of pragmatism but culturally enforced? Tell me so I can begin to do my part.